I feel I must apologize for not posting in a hundred years. I’ve been in a terrible funk lately, a super-funk, if you will. Winter has been never ending and I have the worst case of seasonal affective disorder in the world. But, I also didn’t think anyone had ever actually looked at my blog. I admit, there are so, so many things about the blog that I don’t understand. Like, I don’t know how to check my stats. No idea. Is it a plug-in I don’t have? Probably. Also, either the spam filter isn’t working or I don’t have one – another plug-in? These little problems are endless. I had 400 spams, most of which were from one site. So, I missed a precious gem of a comment from a blog I regularly enjoy, Yeah I’m a Nerd (yeahimanerd.com), Ericamos, that she so sweetly left for me in February. Yes, I said it. FEBRUARY. Thus, thinking that I was only affecting myself by hiding under the bed for several months, others may have been affected as well and I apologize.
Another issue was that my sister, who always, always gets for Christmas whatever it is that I most want (I don’t even tell her, she just gets my wish, which, last Christmas was a new MacBookPro – she got the MacBook Air), gave me her old MacBook. I had to wait until I met up with the family in Carmel, a very nice trip which I will tell you about at another time. Then, when I finally had it in my hot little hands, she said she was freaked out that I would wreck her email or stuff or something because she didn’t have it wiped. So, I thought I’d better send it to my brother to get it all fixed up (he used to work for Apple). So, I wait. Still. And, although I do have other computers upon which to write my musings, I really wanted to do it on that (my iPad is a tad small for such a big job and my iMac is in my office which is too officey and tainted with work energy). But, it seems to be affecting my already fragile brain to not be writing and the sun has now come out (finally!) so I had better giddy-up and get on it already because time is a wasting.
I was reading this completely fabulous book called, Healing ADD (Dr. Daniel G. Amen) – highly recommend – and it showed me how truly fucked up I am. I already knew I had ADD (everyone in my family has it), but I didn’t know how completely it has colored every decision I have ever made. And, I didn’t know that depression is very closely linked. I am always happy, almost pathologically, so it doesn’t occur to me that I could be suffering from depression (even though I have been crippled by it before). And, most people (including doctors) don’t really understand it very well. So, for those of you who have been fortunate enough to never have it seep into your brain and steal your soul, I thought I would try to describe what it has felt like.
For me, it has nothing really to do with sadness. So, don’t say – you have so much to be happy about! I know, and I am happy. It’s more like very slow quick sand. You have just enough strength to keep from going all the way under, but no energy left for anything else. And, for me, time is just a mess. Two months can go by like it was 2 days. Seriously, those of you who experience time in a consistent way could never understand. It just flies away from me. Like I wasn’t even here. But, I know I was here because everywhere I look there is a mess that I have made. Piles of crap all over the place. So weird.
The culmination of all of this mind torture was last week. I felt nearly crazy. Like that X-Files episode where a couple and then later Scully were really buried in the earth by some out-of-control mold spores but they thought they were leading their regular lives. They could occasionally see the “matrix” (for want of a better term), a flash here or there. That’s what it felt like for me. Like this is not reality, it’s just my perception of reality. I am creating this weird universe in which I work too much and live in a house that needs work and can’t manage to even take my dogs for a walk, but there is a true reality just out of reach. If I could just break through, and see reality, maybe I could break free from this cocoon I seem to be trapped in and free myself.
Fortunately for me, two things happened. The sun came out (although it snowed very heavily all day Wednesday), and I took the suggestion of the aforementioned book and started taking L-Tyrosine. Something seems to be working because I feel very nearly funk free! Yay! So, now, maybe I can get back to my goal of writing every day and posting at least a few times a week. I can’t wait to start trying the weekly challenges and what-not that abound. I am never ever at a loss for words. My head is actually too full of thoughts. I have more trouble filtering through them and narrowing the focus than coming up with something to say/write.
My final thought is this: Does anyone have an interest in being a blogging mentor? I have so many little picky administrative questions. I can call Godaddy but they are such computer tech people that their answers often leave me more confused. I did print out some enormous file from WordPress but it didn’t seem like it answered my probably simple yet perplexing questions. They need a book on WordPress for idiots. I think they actually have one but Blogging for Dummies said it was for the non-hosted people. Maybe it would help. Any suggestions are appreciated because writing I know, computer programming I do not.